One of the greatest gift in my life, something that I am extremely grateful for, is the opportunity to start all over again. My life has been colorful to say the least, full of experience, full of craziness at times. When my world came crashing down I was faced with a choice, to be the victim or to be the rising phoenix. I chose rebirth, I chose to create a new life for myself on my terms. I was done with controlling people who disrespected me, manipulative people and those who put me, and other people, down. I was ready to forgive myself for past choices and I was also ready to forgive those who had hurt me.
We all play a role here on the great stage of life. Our personalities fulfill societal requirements, pleasing others and projecting a false sense of self onto the world. We feel vulnerable when we let people see our authentic selves. So we do this dance, protecting our ego’s, locking our hearts and hiding our souls on a daily basis. I was constantly conflicted by this and didn’t understand why I was surrounded by people who only wanted to see my personality, not the real me. What we put out to the world is what we get back. I wasn’t always being genuine, I wasn’t honoring my higher self, what did I expect?! I didn’t understand this, I was a product of my upbringing and unless we know better we can’t do better. Finding a balance between these two worlds is one of life’s greatest challenges, you can adapt your personality but don’t ever change your soul.
I grew up in a family that appeared perfect to the outside world, private planes, big houses, fancy cars and exotic vacations. Any problems were hidden from view, emotional honesty was not allowed, and we were taught that money is security. I always felt like the rebel, the misfit, the one who didn’t fit in because none of this felt comfortable to me. It all seemed like a lot of work for nothing, I craved meaningful relationships, being honest with the world, and an emotional outlet to express myself. Over time I learned to conform as a means of survival, I was beaten down. Soon it became a way of life, my fake life, and I married someone who fit into this lifestyle. I set myself up to ultimately be unhappy, there was no way I could feel fulfilled because I wasn’t being honest with myself. Things progressively got worse and patterns repeated over and over, louder and louder each time until everything exploded.
At my lowest point, when I literally felt dead inside, I made the brave choice to leave it all behind. I decided I would rather be alone than live a life filled with people who controlled me. I pulled off my mask and exposed myself to the world. Some people ran, some dug their claws in deeper. What is she doing? Has she gone mad? They asked each other in disbelief. My perspective was simple, I decided to stop being a people pleaser, this seemed like a right of passage to me, to some it felt like betrayal. It didn’t seem like a huge deal to me, however controlling people control others and their environment for a reason, fear of change. I didn’t anticipate the extraordinary efforts that controlling people will expend when it comes to maintaining other people’s power. I thought it was more like “okay, I’m ready to take control of my personal power now – please hand it over”. No, it was a long hard journey that I am just now beginning to share with the world. It was the best thing I ever did, nothing worthwhile comes easy, that is a fact. I like to do the impossible, challenge myself beyond what I believe I can do, and this experience did just that. The outcome was better that imagined because it’s the unknown waiting to be discovered. I want to inspire other women to make brave choices, to know that they have a support system, so they can rise again and overcome negative circumstances.
I don’t blame the people who “did horrible things to me” because that was part of the lesson. We all make mistakes and I’m not proud of how I handled myself in certain situations, no one is perfect. I decided to break the patterns, connect with myself and rebuild. The process of going within, releasing and healing trauma, letting go of bad habits, learning healthy lifestyle routines, and staying strong was challenging yet equally rewarding. Everyday I feel more connected to myself, the more I learn to love myself, the more love I have to share with others.
I am now surrounded by like-minded people, kindred spirits, who believe in building people up, spreading love, not hate. I want to teach people how to cultivate kindness, to eliminate meanness, to pay people compliments, not insults. The world would be a better place if we could accept the simple fact that everyone is unique, conforming to sameness is soul sacrificing. The power is always within you to rise above, to view the world from a peaceful birds eye view, the chaos is down below… so get ready to fly
~Miss Kiss~
Photo credit: Kigi Life clothing. “empowerment” tshirt inspired by my story www.kigilife.com
